Rio, I am not impressed!

Every road leads to Rio - at least in Brazil that´s how it seemed to be. Literally everybody, Brazilians as other travelers, exceeded each other in praising this "amazing", "gorgeous", "impressive", "unique and very special" city with "breathtaking" beaches. It was the one place you were not supposed to miss. So I went, saw it and I have to say: Rio, sorry - but I am not impressed!

Rio, in my mind, was the personification of Brazil. Unfortunately, there was little that reminded me of Brazil. Sure, Rio has Samba, the Sugar Cane and the Christ - but does it impersonate the colorful, bubbly spirit of  Brazil? Not really ...

First of all, I think I spent more time on a bus stuck in traffic than actually walking around the city. Traffic is INSANE and people that live in Rio told me that they spend - easily - four hours a day on a bus. Amazing?? Only if you love car watching A LOT.

Second, Rio is pretty gray. Sure, you can see some cool graffiti but a playful explosion of colorful buildings? Nope.

Third, the beaches are disgusting. Who, I mean, who started the rumor about Copacabana being Brazil´s most beautiful beach? If you go on the wrong days, it´s so much trash lying around, you cannot even walk along the beach. I saw pants, flip flops, candy wrappers, pants, broken umbrellas and beer cans. I did not see white sand and blue water (also because looking around is somehow impeded by trying to avoid getting hit by a ball from the herds of soccer players hanging out). Dream beach? Ehm ... hell no!!!!

Forth, Rio does not have any personality. If you are looking for a city with personality in Brazil - go to Olinda. If you are looking for a colorful city full of music and culture - go to Salvador. If you are looking for a charming, cute city - go to Ouro Preto. If you are looking for amazing beaches, go to Joao Pessoa. If you are looking for a big city with nothing special - go to Rio!

Yes, Rio is a nice city and, maybe, if it´s you´re first stop in Brazil it might even be lovely. I also won´t deny that I heard some GREAT Samba and met wonderful people there, but is Rio my favorite Brazilian city? Definitely not!

Lost in Brazil

If you ever get lost in Brazil, don't ask a Brazilian for directions. This is a serious warning: DO NOT ASK A BRAZILIAN FOR DIRECTIONS! I thought after so many years of traveling and living in South America nobody could fool me any more. Boy, was I wrong...

This is what usually happens if you ask for directions in Latin America:

1. The person knows where you want to go and gives you the right instructions. (1% chance)

2. The person doesn't have a clue, sooo
    a) He tells you so (happens in about 2% of the cases)
    b) He gives you a very vague, general answer so you know you should ask somebody else (5%)
    c) They send you off into some random direction (93%)

So you already know the drill: whatever one person tells you, you need to confirm with at least two more. (Latinos don't like to say that they don't know the answer ... or they just like to mess with gringos). HOWEVER, this is NOT how it works in Brazil!!!!

This is what happened to me in Brazil:

1. The person knows where you want to go and gives you the right instructions. (1% chance)


2. The person doesn't have a clue, sooo
    a) He tells you so (happens in about 0% of the cases)
    b) He gives you a very vague, general answer so you know you should ask somebody else (0%)
    c) They say: "Oh, of course, such and such street, that's easy: it's 'a frente' (30%)

- Now, I have learned that "a frente" (in front) has several meanings:
       - in front (20% of the times)
       - next to (20%)
       - behind (15%)
       - go to the end of the street, take a left, then another right and in front of the bus station ask again (45%)

   d) They say "to the right" while showing towards the left. So you ask again, just to be sure, "to the right???" while indicating the RIGHT side. "Ohhh, nooo, I am sorry, you're right, I meant to the left!" Now they are showing you to go to the left! (30%)

   e) They give you very clear instructions: "First left, you pass a church, then take the second right, you'll pass a pharmacy, after the bakery another left until you get to a traffic light; at the big junction take a left and there it is". (40%)
    - These instructions, however precise, are never (NEVER) correct. DO NOT follow them. Ask again. You will get a similar answer: "First left, you pass a church, then take the THIRD right, you'll pass a big store, after that you follow the road for about 3 blocks and you'll get there!"
   - Again: DO NOT FOLLOW these instructions. Ask again. Your answer this time:  "First left, you pass a church, then take the second right, you'll pass a pharmacy, after the bakery another left until you get to a traffic light; at the big junction don't walk left, keep walking straight ahead for one more block and then take a right!"

You have no idea where to go? EXACTLY!
You can ask as many times as you want, you will never get the same answer twice and you'll end up just as confused as you were before. I haven't quite figured out WHY Brazilians have absolutely no sense of direction but I know this: If you want to get anywhere in Brazil, GET A GOOD MAP!

CARNAVALLL

The carnival in Recife ended. Tow days ago. And I am still trying to wrap my head around the past week. Wait! What just happened?

On top of Olinda

To be frank, I am not quite sure. It all began with us getting off the bus in Recife . After three hours uphill, we arrive on top of beautiful Olinda, Recife's sister city. Here, from the old part of town, covered in red, blue and yellow ribbons we can already imagine what carnival will look like...

A couple of days later, the same spot. This is the scene you see now: It is burning hot, 100.000 people are standing on the top of the hill, pushing down. You are squeezed in between your boyfriend, a giant cockroach and a gay nun. The gay nun is hitting on your boyfriend. Everybody is drenched in sweat. You remember that getting your behind squeezed by random strangers is part of the tradition. 

The drums and trumpets bellow into your ear. You get a vodka-pink-drink shower. The girl on your left side has spilled her drink. But you hardly notice because right now you are actually more worried about the giant cockroach that is pushing you closer and closer to the curb and you are trying really hard not to fall into one of the food vendor's hot plates. And then the dragon comes. A dark tent full of people, and stuffy as a cloth on top of 200 sweating people can be.

You can't breath, you are standing on only one foot, you have no idea where your boyfriend is, you are NOT panicking – because now the cockroach is urging you to join the dragon dance. You feel a sudden pain in your back, there is some sunlight, you can breath again. You have somehow stumbled back into the street. There is the boyfriend. He has some blue spray on his face. You will worry about that later. You need a cold beer now. It somehow got dark. You are going with the flow to the bus station. The bus stops, the crowd gets off, so do you. Blue lights. Yellow lights. Fireworks. Drums. Singing. A procession of African queens. 

 You're fascinated. You're getting hungry. You find the next Macaxeira stand. You wait in line for 40 minutes until the drunk grill master gives you your food. You are going to meet your friends. You want to see the show together. You have lost your friends. Again. You can't find them. Again. You walk towards the stage. There is more and more people pushing in. There are condom balloons flying over your head. 

The music starts. You can't move. Everybody starts dancing. Jumping. The woman in front of you has stepped on the same spot of your right toe about 7 times now. You don't know the songs. Everybody sings along. So do you. The show is great! The show is over. You realize that – again – you haven't made it back home before 5 AM. You realize (a little bit relieved) that this was the last day of carnival. Wait! What just happened?